What a child thinks of her mum

Two weeks went by after my mum discharged from hospital. I gotta to blame myself for unable to take care of her when she really need somebody to look after her. True enough, every time she says that "I'm fine and I can take care of myself". I feel really bad as she does not want to burden me enough.

If I'm the one  who was given chance to mark her performance, I can guarantees that she is a wonderful mum. Recalling to only incidence happened last two weeks, she was hospitalised to undergo an operation. She never complained anything (fear, scare, husband and child not beside, insecure). Nothing at all. In fact, when the moment I said wanted to stay inside hospital to accompany her; she asked me to go back (so that I don't get tired). Ended up, I really feel so bad for unable to console her and she is the one who break up the ice with the joke, "You are more naggy them I'm as an auntie".

At the day of the operation, I can do nothing but just to accompany her. Watching her entering the operation theatre alone, there's nothing I can do but just to wait outside. After the operation, she vomited a lot but she never complained a single word of her suffering that she went through. Who can bear to undergo situation like this, I ever wondered? Hoping that everything is fine, complications entered when the nurse accidentally pulled needle that break her nerves. Doctor suggested that she has to undergo another operation to remove the blood clots. Seeing she suffered like this, I can do nothing. Still the same, no complain from her although her child complains that "the mum does not considerate of son's feeling". Bearing in the pain and wounds, she have to talk and explaining to her child.

Days passed by and she has spent a week in hospital without any good food. As her operation makes her restricted to so many food. I have no idea what I can buy or cook for her. Day by day, she loses weight due to heavy diet restrictions, eating only tasteless hospital food as if it is very delicious. What an eyesore...

The moment when she reaches home after discharged, obviously I thought of she can use this time to  rest till the fullest. The house condition shows that she has no time to rest, but start to workout to clean the house, cook for family (her mission and duty never ends any time). The very next morning, she started to go to the market buying vegetables to prepare food for family. Although we stopped her from doing so, she insisted she wants to cook. She was right, I can't cook. Continuously, she did the chores and cook lunch and dinner for family. I feel like I want to salute her for everything she did; family comes first before everything...

On the day I left to go back to city, I wake up early in the morning in preparation to start the journey early. My mum bought my sister and me breakfast (although we knew that she just undergo operation). If I'm in her shoes, for sure I am not going out to buy breakfast. I promised her to bring her appointment card to me so that I can queue up for her on the next appointment. I have forgotten but my lively mum just answered "Nevermind, it's okay".  I think I will feel better if she scolds me for my carelessness.

Yesterday, she went to the hospital for post-operation visit. She wore the green and black stripes blouse that we bought for her. Indeed, she look nice and I can see that she loses a lot of weight despite I did not see her for days. Even my grandma realise that!

What I can do for her? Her greatness and love is too great. Seriously, we take her for granted in everything. For everything she has endure so far, I deeply feel that I'm unfilial child. Grandma shared a small secret telling me that got one aunty telling my grandma that my mum will be the luckiest child in future from her palm. But it shows that everything is upside down and she led the hardest life among her siblings.

WONDERFUL DAY

After that incidence, as planned, my sis and I prepare ourselves to have a day out in shopping complex since she promised her friends to get her some stationery. Knowing that we are quite late, for sure there will be no more parking spaces left in any shopping. Thinking of wanted to eat roti canai for my brunch, I purposely choose a location that is near to his workplace. Cause I feel that that is the best way for me “bump” into him. What happen is he has yet turn up for work. Looked quite sad (cause unable to see him), this guy (I dunno come out from where) suddenly appears in front of me when I drove past the same route. Is this called fate or purposely arranged meeting him up? I doubt that. 

After brunch, accidentally watch a mini concert (the concert stage and mega sales at the same place) by a new artist named ICE. This is the first time I saw a mini concert with so few audiences. Lolz..She gave me a very deep impression that new artist. Frankly, her voice is nice when she sings Cantonese songs and this is the first time I saw an artist who is humble enough to shake hand with her supporter and thanked them non-stop even though only few audiences is there. It look as that the artist is very optimistic. What can you expect when the “qian chang hui” finish within half an hour? Really feel sympathize. Hopefully she will became famous one day and brings audiences more nice songs. And guess what, I bought her CD and got her signature too (this is not what I will do although that artist is very popular). Hope by supporting her CD will give her more courage to continue her career in this industry.. ^_^

Parking

I wondered such a beautiful Sunday morning, who is the one who rang the door bell when that is the best day where you can sleep without being disturbed. When I looked the clock, it was already 9.15am and the apartment security is standing in front of my door speaking politely that I actually parked my car at other people’s parking place. OMG,… I never knew I did that!! To my horror, the security guard is telling me that the owner of the parking is waiting in front of his parking. Oh gosh, if I’m in his situation, I will get angry for sure too…

Rubbing my eyes, knowing got no time to wash up, immediately wearing my pajamas, trailing the security guard to the place I parked my car yesterday. Feeling guilty enough and do not know what to do since the owner is waiting there, I really hope somebody will save me up!! It is my fault. The reason why I’m so scared cause today is my second time parking his place. OMG!!

The owner of the parking, looked quite muscular, I guess in his early thirties, fold his hand in cool manner and dark face. Thinking that will “kena” the music from him, while rubbing my eyes and apologizing; hoping that miracle will happen, THANK GOD he didn’t scold. He just went into his car cooly and waiting me to reverse my car. Felt terribly sorry and guilty as well. Thank God that he didn’t spoil my Sunday morning by spilling “bad” words on me.

Nothing to be blame about since the car in KL itself already a lot and therefore, the parking space is never limited. Really wonder whether this incidence will happen again in future since hard to get parking space. Actually, I felt lucky enough as I parked that owner’s parking space for twice and yesterday must be unbearable for him.

Two days ago...

The raining day today slightly steal my mood to remember of him. Yesterday, my bestie told me that she was confirmed that I have crush on him. Blushed! Have to admit it. Wonder how he thinks of me? Is this the end of us or the new beginning? I have so many questions in my mind and really hope that miracle will happen. I dunno why my sixth sense keep on telling me that “this guy have something special on me”. I can sense that.

I have two options with me; either continue to miss him or forget him straight away. People’s heart is made of meat. To get rid him of my memory deemed quite hard. How long time do I need to spend?

The Days after moving...

After the last day of working day, he came for once; the only one time. That's the last time I saw him until today. Hardly to admit, yes, miss him quite a lot. I never knew moving house is a terribly tiring job. Until, this is the first time where I have to pack all my goods for moving to two houses. What to do, the room readily available here is like a small "chicken cage" or more like a store room for people to keep their things rather than for me to use as rooms for sleeping.

Two days ago when I moved home, I can see that my car was too or overly packed with things to bring home. So sorry to "tengking" my mum that day as it is really hectic. Thank God my sis corrected me on the spot and I shall remember this attitude all the time as a lesson not to be rude to her again.

Only then I realised that it had been a long time I didn't feel family warmth again. Family means that everyone have to present and live together and no one shall be missed. When I'm at home, visiting my uncle (the only uncle that pampered me the most), grandma and other relatives, the sense of warmth can be felt when everyone joke jovially while eating mangos teen. That time, no matter how tired you are, truthfully you will stay awake to join the crowd of warmth.

Staying in city for years, I realise the my "kindness" and "generosity" gradually escape from me. When I see my grandma, I felt very guilty for unable to look after her as well as my mum. How many years more can they live? I asked myself. I'm not filial at all. What can I do?